Friday, September 16, 2011

A Fresh Start

I constantly had to walk on eggshells with you. I felt awkward sharing my opinions and innermost thoughts or ideas, afraid of your judgments or laughter.

If I wanted any kind of peace between us, I had to be the one to apologize on hands and knees, whether I was in the wrong or not.

I always had to agree with your opinions, it was easier than enduring another long winded argument. When we did argue, I never got to say my piece. You would go for minutes on end explaining your hurt or your reasons, but when I tried to get in one word you'd cut me off again.

My feelings were a joke to you. You were allowed to be hurt and upset, but if I even dared to feel that way you'd scoff and call me dramatic.

I felt weak if I cried around you. You always assumed I was 'using my tears on you' and had no problem telling me so.

You were allowed to feel, where instead I always had to suck it up and get over it.

You played games I could never 'win'. I was always wrong, no matter how logically I acted or thought.

I let you cut me off to finish your own thoughts. I never argued about that because I didn't want another pointless argument.

On the outside, others looking in were confused. Calling me foolish, demanding I speak my mind, trying not to laugh at how stupid I was being for letting you treat me like I was beneath you. And you, you trained me so well, even when I wasn't in your prescence, I defended you. I stood up for you.
How pathetic is that?

Even when I left, you tried to keep your hold on me. Always trying to prove that you were the strong one and I was the weak one. Always trying to convince me that my choices were wrong.

Even when I was more than a thousand miles away I was still afraid of you. Afraid of your judgments, afraid of your ridicule, anxious that anything I did share with you would be met with the same lack of interest.

So...

I stopped letting you have that control. It doesn't matter what you think of my choices, because I don't regret a single thing. Every choice I've made has led me to where I am, and I'm happy.

I stopped sharing with you, because I didn't want you smearing my happiness with your opinions. Your opinions aren't necessary.

I stopped being the eternal listener and let you hear what I had to say.

I stopped defending and protecting you. What's the point? You've alienated everyone we know and you're constantly telling whoever will listen how much you don't need them anyway.

I stopped thinking I was beneath you. Because I'm not.

So when you tell me: "I miss you. Or at least the person you used to be."

I'm not surprised.
But I feel really sad for you.
Sad that the only person you want me to be is your pathetic little minion.

2 comments:

  1. Awesome! You tell him!!! You are a strong person and this shows you will get even stronger as time goes on. Stand firm! I know...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hard to write but good to let go. I'm glad you found the words and your wings...

    ReplyDelete